After reading a plethora of articles on positive helpful business tips, my partner Goyan Goads decided to write something that would bring a modicum of balance to the obviously lopsided information world dominated by gurus bent on helping business people succeed.
So he came up with 10 Terrific Tips that will help you become a total business loser. If that’s your main goal in life, then read, learn and apply, and you’ll reap the results you want! Welcome to Loserville!
1-Get your A.S.S in the way of your success!
That’s A.S.S. as in Assumption, Suppositions, and Speculations. Know that the Assumptions, Suppositions and Speculations that you make daily in regards to you & your company, your abilities, your business, your clients, the Internet and the marketplace are keeping you from boosting your business to the max. So make plenty of them. And the more uninformed and unfounded they are, the better.
2-Omit to tell the whole truth every chance you get.
So you think you can fool all the people all the time, right? Good for you. Now raise your right hand and promise to tell the half truth, the almost lies, and nothing but quasi truths. Not full lies though, as that would be unethical. Just exaggerations, misleading statements and anything that people can’t verify and nail you on a cross for.
3-You keep listening to WIII-FM!
That’s right. Stay tuned to What Is In It For Me. You, the businessperson loser when you plan your website, your ads, your guarantee (or lack of), your offers, your customer service (if you even know what that means). Just keep thinking Me, Me, Me, Me! And by all means, ignore the fact that that’s the radio station ALL your potential customers are listening to as well all day long!
4-Avoid using the password to your prospects’ heart…
…and, consequently, to his checkbook. Chances are you don’t even know what the password is anyway. That’s good. Don’t bother looking for it. Just keep saying anything that comes to your mind to try and get some attention and make a sale. Kinda like shooting darts at a target in a pitch-black room, but hey, just keep doing it. You might get lucky
5-Neglect to give people what they want.
Instead, make sure to offer products and services that people need. And better yet, try and shove down their throat products and services that you THINK they need especially things that requires much work on their part in order for them to get healthy, wealthy & wise.
6-Give people reasons to be distracted.
And lots of them. If by accident, of course some people come to visit your home page, make sure there’s a useless, long and boring FLASH intro that’ll put them to sleep or scare them away. Or at the very least, fill the page with distracting graphics, phony testimonials, and lots of ads from every Tom, Dick and Google.
Anything really, that will keep them from reading your content as that could spark their interest and possibly turn a visitor into a subscriber, a customer, or a distributor. What a bummer that would be!
7-Omit benefits, go with features.
Why would you want to tell your readers, listeners, viewers or visitors what benefits you provide for them if any? That might get their attention. Don’t do that! Instead, fill their eyes and their ears with features. And do make sure the features are as useless and irrelevant as possible.
Well, there you have it. Did you like that? Wasn’t that totally helpful? Learn and implement those terrific tips and we can guarantee that you’ll join in Loserville the thousands of other business people who market their business in a way that clearly indicates that they’ve imprinted those tips in their brain and turned them into their commandments of choice.
We wish you ALL the personal and business failure you desire and deserve.
P.S.: Actually, Goyan Goads is more than my partner, he’s my alter ego. His name is an acronym that stands for Get Off Your A** Now, Glorious Opportunities Await Diligent Success-seekers.